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How to be more assertive
Social skills are a set of learned behaviors that increase the probability of having a successful interactions with others. Assertive
communication style is one of social skills most important and
desirable in various situations of our lives, not only personal but also
When communicating with others, there are three major styles of communication; aggressive, passive or inhibited and assertive. They all have their respective advantages and disadvantages in the short and long term. However, while the first two have more short-term benefits (the aggressive get what they want and the liabilities do not "get into trouble) long-term consequences are not so appealing (the aggressive are avoided and the liabilities not taken into account). The assertive style is the one by which the person expresses his point of view, respecting the terms and rights of others.
Perhaps, assertive people have not so good short-term consequences because sometimes his opinion confronts with the others, but long-term assertive people have well established personal limits, and are respected.
Profile of the assertive person
These are personality traits that help us identify an assertive person:
• An assertive is not afraid to express his opinion.
• You know discuss and reach agreements.
• Respect the rights of others and ask that they respect yours.
• Their speech is fluid, without repetitions ("ehhh..."), and the tone of voice is suitable.
• Your verbal communication relies on the non-verbal gestures soft but firm.
• They express their feelings (positive and negative) to others.
• They know to tell you no.
• Accept criticisms and emit them.
• To express its point of view speak in first person.
• Enjoy a healthy self-esteem.
• Likes to interact with others not finding threats in interaction with others.
How to develop assertiveness
No one is born to be assertive. Assertiveness
is a style of communication that develops throughout our lives, whose
foundations of learning are established from childhood. Adult models (parents and teachers) influence our way of relating to others. While
aggressive or dictatorial educational styles result in aggressive or
fully inhibited children, more democratic educational models in which
parents take precedence as principal educational strategy communication,
give rise to children with an assertive communication style.
Also experiences in our day to day influence when it comes to communicating with others. There are people who only attends when they scream, by which should not surprise us that they tend to behave aggressively, while others, whenever they say punished them, so prefer to adopt a passive style. Facilitates people that is allowed to express their opinion without being tried putting up an assertive communication style.
On the other hand, there are personality traits that favor the development of an assertive communication style. The main of all is the extroversion. Extroverted people are sociable and like dealing with others. This makes having more possibilities of "trial and error" in regards to its interaction with other people, allowing them to adopt better interpersonal communication styles.
What prevents us be assertive?
Some of the reasons that are described below can prevent that we develop or adopt an assertive communication style:
• Inadequate educational guidelines: it is possible that the adults who surround the child have punished this assertive behaviour by means of threats, reprimands or transmitting messages as "good children do not answer". In other cases, there has not been a punishment of assertive behavior, but neither has it been reinforced valuing their opinions.
• Unknown personal rights, so it is not respected.
• The person obtains more advantages in relationship with others when it is aggressive or inhibited.
• The person does not know to identify signs of valuation of others when it is assertive.
• Feel very high levels of anxiety before, during and after issuing an assertive behavior.
• The consequences of display assertive behavior can be dangerous (e.g. your boss bounce you, etc).
Techniques to be more assertive in your day to day
If after reading this you think you're not assertive, don't worry. The good news is that assertiveness can be learned at any time of your life. Therefore we offer you below some techniques to start when adoptes an assertive communication style:
• The disc scratched (or broken) technique: repeating the same argument over and over again, so patient and calm, without entering into discussions, but without changing its contents, avoiding the possibility that your partner "turn the tide". You take care of your non-verbal communication in order to play not intolerant.
• Bank of fog: accept the part of reason for another person without discussing. Tell you carrying part of reason in his argument, but yours is another. It expresses now yours quietly.
• Assertive postponement: postpone the discussion for another circumstance where you are less angry.
• Minimize the importance of what is discussed: relativises the importance of disagreement and discussion that is taking place; What has happened is really so serious to have that discussion?
• Split topics: avoid enter or get dirty. When the discussion go by elsewhere uses the phrase "that has to do... with...". This fact will help you to focus the issue on the topic of discussion.
• The assertive question technique: when we believe that we criticize unfairly or don't have clear the reason for this critique, ask your partner what is concerned with what is accusing you (for example do you mean exactly with that I am not a committed person?). If you have reason will help you change and you'll benefit criticism. If you don't have it, you acotarás it.