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Learn to say no
Had it clear... knew that he was going to tell that not... and right at the last moment... said yes. How many times has the other given you "turn the tide"? Learn to say 'no' and set our own personal limits may seem a simple task, but the truth is that it is not. However, learn to do it is the key to the success of our interpersonal relationships.
With our friends, family and couple, and even much more at work, it is important to make it clear what you are willing to do and what not, so that others may know our limits and act accordingly. Therefore, the absence of this ability can bring about important personal and interpersonal problems.
Why it so hard to say no?
Say that it is not a skill that makes it
easy for us to set our personal limits, allowing others to know what we
are or not willing to do. As a skill, it's a learned behavior, while it is true that there are certain personality traits that can give us such learning. So
for example, extroverted individuals who like to relate with many
people tend to more easily acquire this ability than those who are
But, leaving aside the characteristics of personality, why costs us so much "say no" to others? We explain the main reasons that may influence a person to adopt this behavior:
• High social desirability: often seek please each other, they say yes or stop violating their own personal rights because they believe that it is what is expected of them.
• Easy to succumb to the pressure of another person or group: as result of the above just doing what other people want. Therefore, the absence of this ability is especially dangerous in teens that drug use is concerned.
• Lack of assertiveness: are unable to adequately express what think. Therefore, although they believe that they should say that no, do not dare to do so, or, when they do, they are not convincing.
• Previous negative experiences: it is possible that at some point they have tried to say that no, or set your limits, and have them responded in a way inadequate or have suffered negative consequences. Therefore, based on these experiences can learn to "say yes" to avoid repercussions that may be his refusal.
• Low self-esteem: in many cases is the cause ("not worth anything to deny me"), and in many others is also a consequence, since people that they don't know to say that they do not feel inferior to others for not being able to set limits on them.
• Fear of rejection or a negative evaluation: for them it is important that others accept them and not evaluate them negatively. They believe that if shown according to everything that the other proposes that they will have less chance of being rejected and, on the other hand, will be "most beloved", and will be accepted easily.
• Fear of the consequences that imagine that it could have its negative. Sometimes they do not fear both the rejection of others and the fact that its refusal involves certain consequences; for example, a dismissal.
Characteristics of people who can't say no
In general, people who don't know to say
that they tend not to adopt an attitude of passive or inhibited when it
comes to communicating with others. Although it
is not your case, we help you to recognize people who do not know how to
say no, and are characterized by the following profile:
• They delay their response to avoid having to say no (waiting so the other forget it).
• Do not say 'no' at the time, but then not do that to what they pledged.
• May also occur, at the opposite end, not be able to say that not and endure what features to what committed despite the malaise that produces them.
• Avoidant personality traits (have an excessive fear to be rejected by others).
• Not knowing to say not brings them problems in your life everyday, social or labour.
• Low self-esteem: do not feel valuable to express his refusal, and not to express it makes them feel inferior.
• Your tone of voice is usually low and little fluent speech.
• Your non-verbal communication is inhibited (little eye contact, gestures too soft) and does not support verbal communication.
• Tend to rely on other people they considered "stronger" to do's "bad COP" and say that not in its place.
• Sometimes show an agresivo-pasivo communication style; for example, they no longer talk to you, make you vacuum, etc.
Consequences of not knowing how to say no
It's true to say Yes and do what the others want can suppose short term benefits. People who do not establish their limits often seem rather complacent face to others, and their treatment is nice. However,
the cost for them is very high, since long term they suffer the
consequences of not knowing how to say that no, that are:
• Feeling of inferiority and low self-esteem.
• Interpersonal problems not to leave clear what they really want. This confuses the people around, unaware of their true feelings and desires, and they do not know well what they must do.
• Emotional discomfort: frequent is experiencing high levels of anxiety, sadness and irritability.
• Feeling of emotional loneliness: feel that nobody understands them.
• Outbursts of anger: can "explode" for something that is not really a problem because the previous accumulation of malaise that have yet to express.
• Feeling of dissatisfaction, since who think that never is what they want.
• Autoreproches and guilt at not being able to express their wishes.
• Others abuse them: people resorts to them too much because "they tend them" to know that will always be there.
How to learn to say no
We give you some tips so that you learn to tell that not be able to refuse to do whatever you do not want:
• Lose the fear of what others may think: within reasonable limits, you're the first person who should be satisfied with his conduct.
• Accept anxiety as part of the process. Is normal to be nervous or feel uncomfortable when we say no, but you do not succumb to this malaise saying yes and trying to take the problem of over how much before, because I only get differ an unwanted situation, but not resolve it.
• In relation to the above, recalls the negative consequences that can lead you to accept, and that surely will not be compensated by the momentary emotional relief you will experience if you accept.
• Position yourself in front of a mirror and trains an assertive communication style; think about everyday situations in which you have to say no, and you mentally see your non-verbal communication, also listening to your verbal language. Sound convincing?
• Make a hierarchy of these situations, and sort them to analyze from those where more difficult is to deny you what you ask, to those in which costs you less say no, and it starts from today to make clear to others what you don't want to do.
• Di you not without too much explanation; you will thus offer less arguments to those who want you to convince otherwise.
• Internalize this idea: "it is possible that don't or whatever you want, but you always have the option not to do or be what you do not want to be", and put it into practice whenever you face a situation in which don't want to do what you propose.
How to say no: you put an example
Imagine the case of two nurses co-workers. One
of them is usually tired that the other is asking you that the guards,
cover what always has access to please her and avoided problems with
her. However, you decide to not continue doing more. How should you act? It should say not from the outset without fear that your partner think of it. If a person you like really, it won't stop because one day you tell him that you can not cover its guard.
It is important not to give too many explanations, otherwise, the other person can to "turn the tide" and make you see that she has more important reasons why request you the change. To prevent this, there is a technique called scratched disc consisting of repeating your opinion over and over again without adding more information. For example: "I'm sorry, but today I can't do you guard..., Yes, I understand, but today I can not..., I know, sorry really, but today is impossible...".